Meet the Parents - Wikiquote
Male nurse Greg Focker meets his girlfriend's parents before proposing, but her suspicious Greg meets Jack Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller in Meet the Parents () Teri Polo in Meet the Fockers () .. Meet the Parents is a comedy and almost kind of romance movie that boats a stellar cast and some funny lines. Before there was a whole crop of Fockers, the comedy Meet the Parents scenes between Greg (Ben Stiller) and Jack (Robert De Niro). Finally, the Meet The Parents script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Ben Stiller, Robert De Niro, Owen Wilson, Teri Polo, etc.
I thought maybe we could celebrate with a little bubbly. Can you milk me? Would anybody care for a bottle of Oyster Bay Drug and Sundries finest champagne? That is so sweet of you, Greg. Isn't that a nice gesture? How could I have seen Debbie's ring, Mom? Well, when I gave Bob the okay to propose to Deb, I put him in touch with my diamond guy, and he picked out the same design Kevin gave you.
Kevin, your old boyfriend? Well, yeah, Kevin was Pam's fianc? Greg, sweetie, how you doing? Oh, just fine, considering I desecrated your grandma's remains, found out you were engaged and had your father ask me to milk him.
At least back then he was still talking to me. I can't believe you didn't tell me you were that close. Who, Daddy and me? No, Kevin and you. Do we have to know everything about each other's pasts? You never told me about your cat-milking days in Motown.
That was a long time ago, Pam. Yeah, okay, well, so was this. Kevin's and my connection was more physical than anything else. Like you worked out together? No, no, it was nothing, nothing.
It was a stupid sexual thing. I'm gonna go throw up now. Kevin and I were only engaged for a month before I realized that I'd made a mistake, okay?
I-l-l gave back the ring, I moved to Chicago, and I met and fell in love with you, okay, so can we please drop this? I just feel like this is not going well at all. I feel like your dad hates me. He doesn't hate you, sweetie. Just give him a chance, all right? Maybe he's nervous too, huh? I thought he would love my gift, you know, being this big flower guy, but it's like he didn't even show the slightest bit of interest. You are the most adorable, loving, sweetest man in the whole world, and I love you.
And very soon my parents are gonna see that Speaking of growing to love you-- Honey, it's late. I know it's late. Winky is still on Chicago time, and we both know there's only one way to make Mr. What's with the robe? My pajamas are in the suitcase with everything else. Hey, I'll lend you a pair of Jack's. You don't have to do that, Dina. Look, Greg, I just wanna say, don't worry about what happened tonight.
Still, I feel horrible. I mean-- Well, it was a horrible thing. But let's just put all that behind us and enjoy our weekend together. These'll do just fine. See you in the morning. Have a nice sleep. Oh, no, no, no, Greg, we made up the pullout for you down in the den. Oh, okay, 'cause Pam said I should sleep in Debbie's room. Well, Debbie'll be sleeping here tomorrow.
This way, you'll have more privacy, you'll have your own bathroom. Just try not to flush the toilet. It's always a little quirky. I understand it's the st century, and you've probably had premarital relations with my daughter.
But under our roof, it's my way or the Long Island Expressway. Keep your snake in its cage for hours. At Atlantic American Airways, customer satisfaction always comes first. We are experiencing heavy call volume. Your call is very important to us. It will be answered in approximately minutes. Please press " " if you'd like to talk to a representative.
Please call back-- Oh! I don't know what it is, but there's just something about him that's a little off. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jack, you know we've been through this I think Greg-- he's a lovely young man.
And, honey, Pam thinks he might be the one. She said those exact words? I didn't tape record it, Jack, but that's the impression. What kind of a family doesn't have time to sit down for dinner? Please try to enjoy the weekend, honey.
Both our daughters are in love. That's what I'm worried about. Oh, geez, I just realized something. Looking for something, Greg? Jesus, Jack, you scared me. I heard a noise, so I came down to see if everything was okay. I just-- I'm sorry. I saw a light on, and I kinda stumbled in. I didn't realize-- That's okay. No, not at all. I mean, I mean-- I mean, this is great, though. I love this-- what you-- it's a cozy little nook. I noticed you were looking at that when I came in.
It's an antique polygraph machine. Is that what that is? I've seen these before, but I never saw one actually up close.
Why don't you try that on? We'll have some fun. I'll show you how it works. You have nothing to hide. They're-- You'd be surprised how accurate they are. They can tell fairly easily if someone's lying or not.
Now I'm gonna ask you some questions, and all you have to do is answer "yes" or "no. Let's give it a whirl. Did you fly on an airplane today? No, it was rare. It was a little rare for my taste. The needles are jumping. Have you ever watched pornographic videos? No, no, I'm just going over some of my answers from the polygraph test your dad gave me.
Well, did you lie to him? I mean-- Well, he asked me if we were living together, and-- What'd you tell him? Your mother walked in Is this how you'd react if I told you he shoved bamboo shoots up my fingernails? Or does he hook all your boyfriends up to his little machine? Well, he doesn't need a machine. He's a human lie detector. Greg, my father was never in the rare flower business.
That was just his cover. He was in the C. How could you not tell me this? I wanted to, honey, but it was strictly He's in the C. He was a spy? He is a spy? No, he was more like a psychological profiler. They used him to interrogate suspected double agents in the company.
I was scared of your dad back when I thought he was a florist. It's wonderful to know that I've actually got a C. You're doing great, okay? This is a lot to take in, honey. Oh, I know, but you're doing fine. I'm not supposed to let the snake out of my cage. I told your dad I wouldn't touch you for hours. Okay, I'm not in junior high anymore, so-- No, no, no.
I want to try to respect his rules, okay? Uh, why don't you go ahead and get some sleep, and I'll see you in the morning. Pam told me she let you in on a little secret of mine last night. Well, as long as you can keep your mouth shut for the rest of your life, you're in no immediate danger.
I'm just being humorous. But the fact is, Greg, with the knowledge you've been given, you are now on the inside of what I like to call Let's go inside and have breakfast. Not at the table, honey, please. You must be Greg. Nice 'do, nice 'do. I'll do the intros. Greg, this is my sister, Debbie.
Nice to meet you. Oh, the bride to be. You can call me Bob Whoa, now, cut that out. You know, Greg's in medicine, too, Larry. Hey, why don't I get you a chair, Greg? So, you didn't want to go for the M. No, I actually thought about becoming a doctor, but I decided it wasn't for me. Oh, he did more than okay.
Why did you take the test if you weren't planning on going to med school? Well, I wanted to keep my options open, but in the end, nursing was a better fit for me. It gives you the freedom to work in several different areas of medicine.
Wasn't your friend Andy supposed to be here by now? I thought Deb told you. Andy threw out his back. He can't make the wedding. Now I have to reconfigure the whole procession.
Um, Bob, why doesn't Greg stand in for Andy, be the usher? Bob, Greg'll be your second usher. Yeah, yeah, okay, sure. Let's all finish up and get ready to go In that case, I'd better get upstairs Dina, thank you so much for breakfast. Why didn't you wake me up?
Don't worry about it. Tell that to Dr. Torquemada in there with the Grand Inquisition. Go take a shower, get dressed and come back down. No, I don't-- Come on. I just-- No, I don't feel comfortable wearing your dad's underwear. Okay, well, go wake up Denny and borrow some of his. You want me to go wake up your brother who I never met Top of the stairs, turn right. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What the hell you doing in here? I'm-- I'm Greg, Pam's friend. Were you just sniffing my boxers, dude?
No, no, she said I could come up here, maybe borrow some clothes from you. Do me a favor. Yeah, so, it's all good. Dad keeps you guys under a pretty close watch, huh? No, it's not that bad. Your little Pamcake's got it a lot worse than I do. You need some clothes.
Yes, that would be-- that would be great. Glad to hook you up. Like what you done with the crib. Yeah, I think these ought a do it.
All right, here you go, chief. Thanks a lot, Denny. Oh, and don't worry about the little covert op, all right? I'll keep it on the lowdown. Larry, Linda, Debbie, Bob, honey. Now, I'm gonna activate the alarm. It'll go off in T minus seconds. I don't think I need a jacket. It's cold out, honey. Here, take Denny's jacket. Hey, Denny, I'm lending Greg your jacket, okay?
Meet The Parents Script - transcript from the screenplay and/or Ben Stiller movie
Denny, how's the tux fit? Dad, uh-- What's that? I-It's a sculpture I found in Greg's jacket. This isn't a sculpture, Denny. This is a device for smoking marijuana. I like the top hat. Can I talk to you for a minute? Did I not clearly explain the circle of trust to you, Greg? Mm, yeah, I think I got it. Then is there something you wanna tell me? Mm, l-l don't think so. Didn't we have a discussion yesterday in the car about this? You mean me and Pam.
Yes, I would love to talk to you about that. We're not talking about Pam. We're talking about you. See, if I can't trust you, Greg, then I have no choice And once you're out, you're out. There's no coming back. Mm, well, I would definitely like to stay inside the circle. Well, then, tell me the truth.Meet the Parents (4/11) Best Movie Quote - Polygraph Test (2000)
Jack, I don't know what we're talking about. All right, now look, Focker, I'm a patient man. That's what months in a Vietnamese prison camp will do to you. But I will be watching you, studying your every move.
And if I find that you are trying to corrupt my firstborn child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring you down to Chinatown. I thought we were going to Kevin's house. This is Kevin's new house. Oh, this is a crazy house.
Not bad, huh, Dad? Maybe he uses marijuana for medicinal purposes. People do that nowadays. Honey, this kid has been lying to us from the moment we met him. Get in some quality time with the boys? Uh-huh, yeah, it was fun. Listen, I hope this lunch isn't too weird for you. Q at Best Man's" be weird? I was sure I told you.
Kevin is Bob's best man. This is his place. How does he know Bob? I was really lucky I was able to salvage this wood Kevin, the house is amazing. This is where Maybe you should have gotten married here.
All right, the sun is out, the grill is hot and the pool is luke. If I can interest you in a swim and a little B. Q, just follow me. It must cost a fortune to heat this place. I don't know why I thought you knew. It-- It's not a big deal. If I can handle a weekend without sex and cigarettes, I think I can handle an afternoon with your ex-fianc?
Now, for the floor that you're walking on, I chose this Bolivian wormwood. I think it works well in here. I have the Viking range here and the twin Sub-Z's. Yeah, they open up right there. Oh, I get it.
Yeah, kind of blend in. Are you a homeowner, Greg? No, no, I rent. So, things are going real, real well for you, aren't they, eh, Kevo? Gosh, things have been going so great lately. I got in early on some wireless I. What line of work are you in? There are a lot of Benjamins to be made now with biotech stuff. I don't have to tell you that.
You gotta strike while the iron's hot. That's great to give something back like that. I'd love to find time to do volunteer work. Just the other day I saw this golden retriever that-- He had like a gimp, and he couldn't really-- It made me feel terrible. I wish there was something I could do. Yeah, well, I get paid, but also it feels, you know, good too.
So it's kind of an everybody wins. What are you-- You're like a Wall Street trader? I mean, I'm willing to be painted with that brush. Yes, that's my day job. We got time, don't we, Jack? I want to show you what I'm really interested in.
It looks like somebody got an "A" in wood shop. I whittled that out of beech wood. So what got you into, uh, "carpentering"? He was a carpenter, and I just figured if you're gonna follow in someone's footsteps, who better than Christ? You're in good company. Well, I'm gonna head to the pool, but why don't you show Greg and Pam the gift?
I put a fresh coat of lacquer on this this morning, so bear with me with the fumes. The little holes are for candles. And then later, they'll collect rainfall. Or you might call it a "ho-puh. I'm gonna take it over to the Byrneses', and tomorrow Robert and Debra will meet beneath it to become man and wife.
And later, when they purchase a home, maybe it will grace their garden. Well, that's my sappy, romantic idea. No, not too bad. Which isn't bad, considering I carved it all by hand from one piece of wood. Time to start the barbecue, big guy. I better get back to playing host. Okay, you guys, grab your suits, and I'll meet you down at the pool. I don't even have a suit with me. The airline lost my bag and-- [Jack] Pamcake, let's go.
Mom's got your suit here. You better get going. And, by the way, she just had the nicest things to say about you. Yeah, we had some good times together. Boy, she is a tomcat. So, let me hook you up with some trunks, Gregger.
I'm not gonna swim. I'm not taking no for an answer. What's it gonna be? Ah-- How 'bout a little of both, K-Dog? I think they call that "the munchies. Hit the ball, Kev! Show 'em what you got! You gotta rush the net on defense. Don't be afraid of the ball. Greg is afraid of the ball.
We're gettin' cold in here. If Florence Nightingale over here would play defense. Larry, keep floatin' where you are. Denny, take the deep shots. Greg, nobody's expecting much out of you. I'd have to be pretty high, but yeah. I bet you would, Panama Red. You gotta spike those, Focker!
You gotta spike those! Fire it up there, Focker! It's only a game, Focker! Deb, you can totally see Voit backwards on your forehead. Go over the song selection with Bob. Are you a Mr. You go through it, make sure it's all there? I just wanna make sure you're okay since hitting the spike heard 'round the world. I'm really sorry about that.
I don't know what got into me, Iceman. Is that a special thing Stop it. Top Gun was a very popular movie when Kevin and I dated. Do you want to be Maverick? Is that what this is all about? I can't be Maverick. He used to be, but we can change that.
Um, can he be Goose? No, because Goose dies in the end. Honey, I don't really-- Greg, shut up. Jesus, Dad, you ever think of knocking? Not in my own den. What are you two doing in here? I'd say rounding - This is Greg's room, Dad. We're gonna use it for storage. Greg will stay in Debbie's room, and she'll bunk up with you tonight.
I'll be right up. They found your suitcase. Hey, Jack, I don't quite know what happened back at the tux shop, but if I've given you the wrong impression regarding Pam in any way, I'm sorry. I have nothing but the best intentions with Pam, and I-I just-- Actually, there's something in the suitcase here that I'm planning on giving her Did you flush this toilet?
Maybe Jinx flushed it. I saw little Jinxy come in last night, and he took a little squat and relieved himself. Jinx knows not to use that toilet, and even if he did, he'd never flush it. You're really on a roll there, bud.
In hours, I'm having a wedding here, so I need my cesspool pumped now! That smell, Bob, is our shit. Focker flushed the toilet in the den, so the septic tank is overflowing. Jack, I told you. Focker, I'm not gonna tell you again! Jinx cannot flush the toilet. He's a cat, for chris sakes! The animal doesn't even have thumbs, Focker.
Over by the tree, right? Not on the lawn! Stay where you are. I got my mojo workin' Just won't work on you I got my mojo workin' Just won't work on you Oh-- I know that's what I said I wanted, 'cause that's what I wanted.
It is a black Samsonite suitcase. What I'm saying is, do you think it's possible that the Samsonite people, in some crazy little scheme to actually turn a profit, made more than one? I am going to need your baggage claim number again. Could I talk to your supervisor? When he gets back, have him give me a call right away. It's a very important bag. I'm sure it is, sir. Don't ask me what it's for. I need you to do this thing.
Please, I'm in a time situation here, so just do it. So the name's "Greg Focker"? Greg didn't ace his med school boards. He never even took the goddamn MCATs. Oh, Jack, that's what you had your sources check out? What this poor boy did on some test scores?
I bet he doesn't even have a real nursing degree. A lot of these hospital workers are just pill poppers looking for easy access to ludes.
We already know that he's been puffin' the magic dragon. I knew the little crack was lying. Come here, little Jinxy. He did not lie to me, Dad. He lied to you when I thought you should know the truth. I love you too much to see you get hurt. I don't care what your information says, Dad. Greg took the MCATs. All right, stand back. Somebody call right away!
We checked every yard, every car on the street. He's not up in any of the trees, Jack.
Meet the Parents
We checked all the bedrooms. Jinx isn't up here. Yeah, none of the neighbors have seen him either. You tried to milk him, didn't you, you sick son of a bitch! Honey, please calm down. How can I calm down What do you mean, "the ring bearer"? Your daddy didn't tell you? He taught Jinx to walk down the aisle with this little pillow. No, you didn't, Dad. You put this around the neck, and these ribbons are for the rings. Oh, for Chris sakes!
Yeah, but now we have to postpone the rehearsal. Bob, you ride with me. Larry, you come with your car. We're gonna canvass the neighborhood. Dee, ask O'Boyle to wait.
If we're not back in an hour, we'll reschedule the rehearsal for the morning. We cannot cancel the rehearsal for some stupid cat! How could you say that? That cat's been like a brother to you! We're supposed to let him wander the streets without food, water or toilet? You're gonna fill in as the ring bearer for now.
I'm not wearin' that stupid pillow thing on my head. You just go and wander the streets without food, water or toilet? They brought in a Himalayan a little while ago. Uh, no, let me see that photo again. You gotta picture him without that stupid Santa cap. You see, in the picture, your cat has an all-black tail.
And this one has a white tip. No, I'm sorry about that, chief. Looks just like him. Except for that tail.
Meet the Parents Quotes | 97 quotes by |
Robert Banks-- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this beautiful day Robert Banks and Debra Byrnes in holy matrimony. This is a special day-- He found him! Look, Dad, it's Jinx. Oh, my little baby! Greg, thank you so much.
This is so great. Gave us a little scare, huh? Oh For once in my life I got someone who needs me To Greg. He's in the restroom. Yes, I tried there. I've tried every shelter on the north shore, okay?
He's a brown-and-black Himalayan with an all-black tail. I'll call you back. Had to pay a little visit to the urinal fairy. I'm just glad I could help out. We never did get to finish that little "convo" back at the den. So, when you have a minute, there is still something I'd like to talk to you about. We'll get right to it as soon as we get back. You have my word. I'm gonna hold you to that. Guess who's back in the circle of trust. Maybe I should ask him to dance. What do you think? I bet he could, uh, whittle a private little dance floor for the two of you.
I saw some beech wood outside. I shouldn't paint him with that brush, but-- Come on. Part of you wishes you ended up with him.
Yes, he's very talented, but it would've never worked out. I was never in love with Kevin. I'm in love with you. That's a good explanation. Thought you'd like that. I called you like half an hour ago. Okay, I already-- I already described it.
Uh, it's, uh-- It's brown It's Hank MacAtee from next door. You'll never guess who wandered over here this afternoon. Yeah, he's not wearing his collar, but, uh, I'm sure it's Jinxy. Thought you might be worried, so just give me a jingle when you guys get home, and I'll bring the little rascal over. Okay, well, if you could just keep checking, please, and I'll call you back later. No, they're still looking. Hey, Jack, this is a great party.
I guess sometimes these things sort of come together in their own kooky sort of way. Yeah, it's kind of like the way you found Jinxy.
You know, there's something about that ball of fur You haven't seen any of his latest tricks, have you? Well, when we get back, I'll show you.
We don't have to do it tonight. He's had a long day. I wouldn't want to-- No, I think he'd like to show you tonight. Why don't you give me the key and let me drive?
Why don't I drive? It's a very expensive car. I've always wanted to test-drive a Benz. Be my guest, Focker. Get in the car, honey. Get your seat belts on. Focker, Benz drives like a dream, Lar. Yeah, just trying to make good time. What the heck is the matter with you? We're gonna be home. We're gonna get home. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! It's not the autobahn. You were supposed to make that left at the light, Focker. Who gave him the keys?
Yeah, we've had enough excitement. It was the cat! Jinx, I'm gonna-- - [Shrieking] - Calm down! Cat got out, Jack! Greg, what's he talking about? To love Thee more dearly. To see Thee more clearly. To follow Thee more nearly Oh, Greg, that was lovely.
That was interesting too. Oh, honey, why don't you read Greg your poem? Oh, no, he doesn't want to hear that. You see, when Jack had to retire That's a bunch of malarkey. The doctor thought it would be therapeutic if he Honey, you wrote the most beautiful poem about your mother. Please, we really wanna hear it. It's a work in progress. I'm still not happy with it. As soon as it's ready, then I am going to glaze it onto a plate You gave me life, you gave me milk, you gave me courage.
Your name was Angela, the angel from heaven. But you were also an angel of God, and He needed you, too.
Meet the Parents Quotes
Selfishly, I tried to keep you here But I couldn't save you, and I shall see your face It always gets me. I love you, Dad, but you could be a real jerk sometimes. He's still not good for Pam! Well, who is, Jack? No one has ever been good enough for your Pam. You only warmed up to Kevin after she broke up with him. It think it's time for you find what Pam wants. You're gonna have to check that. That bag won't fit. No, I'm not — hey.
I'm not checking my bag, okay? There's no need to raise your voice, sir. I'm not raising my voice. This would be raising my voice to you, okay?
I don't want to check my bag. By the way, your airline — you suck at checking bags. Because I already did that once, and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me. I can assure you that your bag How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Are you physically gonna take my bag beneath the plane? Are you gonna go with the guys with the earmuffs and put it in there?
Then shut your pie hole Sir, we have a policy on this airline that if a bag is this large, we— Greg: Get your grubby little paws off of my bag, okay? It's not like I have a bomb in here. It's not like I want to blow up the plane. I wanna stow my bag according to your safety regulations. If you would take a second All I wanna do is hold onto my bag and not listen to you! The only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here now If you can get it from my kung fu grip, then you can have it.
Otherwise, step off, bitch. I have a plane full of people telling me you threatened that stewardess. I was not threatening her, I was just trying to get my bag in the overhead storage thing. Norm the Security Guard: You were acting like a maniac and then you threaten her with a bomb.
No, I said I didn't have a bomb. I said it's not like I had a bomb on an airplane. You said bomb on an airplane. What's wrong with saying bomb on an airplane?
You can't say bomb on an airplane.